Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
farters have to be the big spoon...
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Randomize