Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
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