how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
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Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
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I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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