Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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