I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
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Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
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I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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