so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
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Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
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Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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