just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
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He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
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So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
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