he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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