Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
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I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
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Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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