see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
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The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
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javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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