woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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