Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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