you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
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why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
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Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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