This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
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It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
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Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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