You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I still have a little drunk in my system
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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