Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
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