I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
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I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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