the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
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Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
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I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
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