I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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