I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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