I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
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We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
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