Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
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You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
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And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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