Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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