i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
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