Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize