1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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