I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
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I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
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Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize