Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
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I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
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What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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