haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
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the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
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Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I need water and some morals
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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