shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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