I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize