Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
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Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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