Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
so that wasnt chicken after all
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
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Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
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I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
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