what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
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She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
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If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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