i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
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And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
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Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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