you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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