Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize