I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
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I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
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He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
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