if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
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Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
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It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize