my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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