woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
he fucked my hip out of place.
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Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
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I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
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