So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
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remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
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Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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