if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
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you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
That accounts for only three of the penises
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
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Regret, thy taste is box wine.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
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