I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
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It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
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You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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