New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
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Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
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And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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