guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
3 2 1 whiskey
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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