The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
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I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
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I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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