then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
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Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
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I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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