i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
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