Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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