turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
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I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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